“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
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I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Liquor Store Parking