Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
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Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.