Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
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Travel bloggers during quarantine
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk