@realHamOnWry: Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.
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@AaronFullerton: Making a list of all the people who wrote "Happy Birthday" on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who's secretly mad at me.
@Douchekevin: The girl I have a date with tonight texted and said 'I have no gag reflex ;) ' So I guess that means I'm taking her to a Nicolas Cage movie
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: "I injured myself at the gym" Buddy: "Too much weight?" Me: "I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill"