MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Girl, same.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.