MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Pringles
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders