My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
You Might Also Like
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
How it started How it’s going
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.