Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again