Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
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I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.