*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
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After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.