mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
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me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Always
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Fiction has to make sense.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples