Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
You Might Also Like
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
LOL
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge