Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
You Might Also Like
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what