Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
You Might Also Like
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.