Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
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The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?