Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
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*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.