mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
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i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]