mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
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TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean