Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music