[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
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I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Seek kebab; not attention
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
did it work
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
hey, alexa
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.