Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
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My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Does this dress make me look cat?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun