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The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
i really liked this one
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Body by sandwich.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.