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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce