@illiter8too: Murder is justifiable if it's against a person who calls you and hands their phone off to another person with whom you didn't wish to speak.
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@callmeEvian: Octopus GIRL: You’re so cute. Octopus BOY: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand? Octopus GIRL: C’mere, ya lil Squirt.
@stephenjmolloy: CEO of KFC: "We must always respect our customers. That is so important." Ian: "Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?" CEO: "Yes."
@Midgetspar: I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven't played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I'm Michael Jordan.