Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
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Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit