[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
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Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”