[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
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I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*