[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it