Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
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Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Cake!!
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Just so funny
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go