MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot