[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
You Might Also Like
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
That’s fair
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.