[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
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*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
never ask a starfish for directions
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]