murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
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ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.