MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
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If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
my sentiments exactly
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
one of
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?