murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
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Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
pizza
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.