Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
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wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?