MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
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[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever