Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
A completely valid reaction tbh
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”