[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
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[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*