Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I am a gravy boat captain
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Same post same
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.