me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
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[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Hell yeah 👍
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks