Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
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I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
“Wait, let me explain..”