[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
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Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.