I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
love it when they get my name right
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?