Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.