Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“The Perfect Relationship”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.