“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
tell em, edith-anne
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’