My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
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*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40