my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
🤣🤣🤣
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!