My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
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Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
i love modern commerce
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.